Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Entry 3025 Thinking Too Much

I’ve been doing some thinking.

For most people this is a good idea. I’m not sure…I think sometimes too much.

And, both meanings apply. “I think…sometimes too much”…”I think sometimes…too much.”  Though similar in meaning, these express very different ideas.

See what I mean? I overanalyze some things…messages, phone conversations, etc.

Make that…many things.

So…anyway, the subject of this most recent wave of overthinking is…relationships.

Why I’m presently not in one. Would I want to be in one? Why I’m often not happy when I am in one.

Will I ever have a good one again?

This last thought is particularly disturbing. I don’t necessarily question that there will be another one (or more), But will it be what I want?

Okay, you’re saying, so what is it that you want?

Hmmm…I don’t always know.

I mean, let’s get this straight. I’m not: flaky, low on self-esteem, looking for someone to make me whole. I don’t have commitment or intimacy issues.
Ideally, this is what I want. I want to love someone completely. I want them to love me completely, or at least—be willing to try.

“How Do I Live Without You”, by Leanne Rimes. That’s kinda how I want the other person to feel about me. NOT that they can’t breathe or eat or sleep without me…ugh of course not! That level of codependence scares the Hell out of me. Just that they would prefer NOT to.

More…that I am important. I matter.

It’s like the Holy Grail for me. I know it exists…I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it…and have had others feel the same way toward me.

So where are they now, you ask, these Others? Hmmm…good question. See, there’s this thing we have here, called Reality. Life. Circumstances Beyond Our Control.

They’re gone...such as they were. Not that there was that many, anyway.

And it's not like I'm all that picky over things like physical appearance. It's simple.

Please...be someone I'm going to enjoy looking at. Better still, be exciting to me. Make me think about what touching you, holding you, making love to you is going to be like.

And, you don't have to have the "perfect body" for all this to happen, either...just one that I like. There's a lot of latitude there.

And I will endeavour to be the same, to you.

But this is getting way off the subject.

These thoughts, they trouble me. I don’t believe that things happen by accident…that there is such a thing as coincidence. It’s my belief that there are reasons for things…and it is precisely these reasons that cause me to think sometimes too much.

I should just let things happen…but I’m too proactive for that. I want to try and make things happen…and some things just can’t be made to happen, that way.

So I just sort of flounder around. I get angry. I become sad. I feel lonely. I hurt.

Then I feel better…realizing that some faith is required. That it will work out. So I lift my head high…and I press on, day to day.

And you know…the thing that bothers me the most is…I don’t know why I feel this way…why this is all so important to me. Things come when you are not expecting them, I am told. So, I try and not expect them.

Ah, but whom am I fooling?