(As you can see by the Entry number, this is an earlier posting that was written some time ago, but has had some updating since then...and therefore hasn't been published yet. Remember, the DATES here indicate "posted order"...the entries can be in ANY order...and, often are.
Some random but occasionally cohesive thoughts on what "dating" has become for me, these days (late 2004--Editor). I am sitting outside a Starbucks in Tucson, AZ today...engaged in some reflection.
While in the past I needed very little help meeting and, uh, spending "private quality time" with pretty much anyone I wanted [hey, 18 for 18, remember? If not...well, I'll tell you about all that someday ;) ], these days, with Internet dating...it's...different.
It certainly has taken--and will take--some adjustment.
An example: I don't believe in playing games...when I want to do something, I do it.
The rule might be, "wait a couple of days after the first date to call"...well, I might want to talk to this person now, so why would I wait? That "rule" just seems stupid and counterproductive to me.
And, my honesty has often caused me problems, because while I can be aloof and casual about things [it's not hard, I've learned how], it's not something I would choose to do.
I'm often fearful that it will be taken the wrong way. I mean, it's treating people the way you would want to be treated...if I am talking to someone and they act that way, aloof casual and disinterested, I just figure they'd just as soon not be bothered.
Many times I will send off emails as a "hello" to people on dating sites, to try and spark up a conversation...but it seems like it's a sort of black hole, most just don't respond [do they even RECEIVE these emails?].
There are some that do, though...and we have our "introduction dance", which is like something out of "Wild Kingdom" between birds or other creatures. We say things to each other, ask certain questions....
Perhaps my emails are more than one or two short paragraphs...perhaps they're more well-thought-out than others that are sent. While not paragraphs of questions or pages of writing [which of course I understand is too much], I clearly haven't mastered the art of the "internet dating email". And, they must seem like poison.
Because...soon there are no more responses.
My stance, my approach, is as if to come out of my cave and kind of make some sort of pronouncement, like "You're attractive" or "I like your style" or "We seem to think alike" as an opening statement, which I consider to be an honest, no-nonsense way to relate to someone. Then there are sounds not unlike crickets chirping....and silence.
So I go back into the cave where it is cold and dark and beat myself up for being such an idiot...and "How could I be so stupid?" and "Why do I even keep trying?"...and I feel the heartache down into my fingertips, the aching, the sadness and the loneliness....
And every day that I make these attempts at communication--and fail to see a result--this goes on and on. I really don't know why I haven't given up long long ago. Why I even persist.
The title of this Entry is from the late and sadly departed Warren Zevon, and his song "Accidentally Like A Martyr"....the chorus has these lyrics:
"We made mad love, shadow love,
Random love and abandoned love,
Accidentally like a martyr...
The hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder."
Were things to have gone the way they were supposed to, the way I have believed that they were DESTINED to, twice--both long ago and not-so-long ago...well....
Well, there would be no online dating now...or, dating of any kind. There would be no need for ANY of that. Just a nice happy relationship...which, despite the 18-for-18, is all I have ever wanted.
All of which just proves to me, everything does NOT happen for a reason. Some things just...happen.
And...as if to prove Newton's Third Law of Physics ["For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"]....
...Some things just...don't.