Entry 3385 'How Vast and Empty Can Be the Soul'

Images of a woman far away who poses and smiles, licks her lips suggestively and blows me kisses...with only the lower half of her face visible and nude from the waist up, she slowly undulates her hands over her neck and shoulders then gently caresses her breasts, runs her hands through her thick black hair and does it all again, all to Sade's breathy vocals...she is really "in the moment", helped along by the red wine she drinks from her elegant stemware. I think, "this is what I miss"...but it's not just for me, it's for anyone who accesses her webcam. Any adult can join the site, broadcast their images and chat through instant messenging...she's not a sleazy professional, but just someone (one of hundreds--thousands?) I would bet who are lonely or neglected on what's a Friday night for her (she's in Singapore, about fifteen hours ahead of me).

It's not pornographic (unless you consider the upper part of a woman's body pornographic)...it is very erotic though, and in these first few moments of watching her I am struck by how much she excites me...not so much sexually (because it's easy to see past that), but how much she excites me with possibilities, someone who would have me constantly on my toes finding ways to show her how special she was to me. She's bold and exciting...her type is the kind that makes you feel special just by her choosing to be with you.

And I wonder about her and her story...why would a beautiful woman do this? I'm curious about the exhibitionism too...men are by nature exhibitionists, but women? Not often, unless it's for money or gain of some sort. But in fact, she has to pay as well to participate. So...why? Maybe it's what John Lennon said, "whatever gets you through the night...."

I am also struck by "how vast and empty can be the soul"...sure we maintain our existences and maybe even fool ourselves into thinking that our lives are satisfying and worthwhile...and then when something like this happens, we realize we're just badly and terribly kidding ourselves, settling for less. It doesn't have to be a person...it could be a house that suddenly you realize you've always wanted, a car, a job, a geographical location...or even, a way of life. Something that afterwards makes you see your life as a more pale and less satisfying place to be...like Peter Reigert at the end of the exceptional 1983 film Local Hero.

I wonder, how do you find someone like her? What's wrong with me, that I'm even watching her? Then John Lennon's words come to me, again...and the rest--"it's alright, it's alright...."

I haven't forgotten that experience on that early morning some time ago...and I'm long past trying to make some sense out of it, like it's a prelude to an upcoming event or foreshadowing or something like that. I'll remember it for what it was, and how it made me feel--like there could be something better.