Entry 3557 The Re-Emergence of Old Friends, The Tying-Up of Loose Ends

I have become convinced that my own demise is imminent.

Don't be shocked, the several of you that read my words regularly. Don't notify the police, or call the Suicide Hotline.

What I mean is...old friends that I haven't heard from in years are re-appearing. And, I am making peace with the Past. Not that I've turned over the proverbial New Leaf, and stopped being a recluse...I didn't know where they were or how to get in touch with them. And the Past? Well...as Don Henley says, in "The Heart of the Matter", "you keep carrying around that anger, it'll eat you up inside." Not wishing to BE eaten up inside, I realized, shall I say, it was better to make peace with the Past than continue to hide or run away from it, or deny it. Perhaps, in a Greater Power sort of way, that is why this is happening, these old friends reappearing.

First...after 16 months and against my wishes, my ex-fiance MJT sent me a text message. Why, against my wishes? Mostly, because she has her own life, her new family...and I have mine. I wasn't sure of her intentions...and anyone who's been a close part of my life for at least the last five years knows how that's often been a problem with her.

So...what to do? Well, after careful consideration and against the advice of nearly everyone, I decided to text her back. And...since then it has for the most part been pleasant. We mostly talk about computers and tech stuff...which is what we always had in common anyway. So, it's good. I say, for the most part...because there are times when I realize why we aren't together any more. Also...there are often traps...which I am very careful to avoid.

And, if I had made peace with the second-most important relationship I've had...how fitting that I should also have the chance to make peace with the most important one. She is discussed way at the start, in The Introduction, May 2004...and also in Entry 2035, June 2005. This re-connection begins thusly: suddenly, one day, there was an email...from the person I knew as CS...now CW. I've stayed in touch with her Dad for all of these 24 years...and now I am back in contact with her. Again, she has her own life...and I have mine. There is a lot of pain there, still. But it is great to share memories and old stories again (even from 2400 miles away)...and there are things to tell her that no one else would understand...because of occurrences that only she was part of, 24 years ago.

There are no words to describe how huge this is, our re-establishment of contact. No matter what else happens, a gaping giant chasm that was in my life has been filled. One of my very best friends and one of the very best people I have ever known is part of my life again.

It isn't just about relationships either...two other old friends that I've been wondering about have re-emerged from the Mists of the Past (or...insert your own overused cliche here). One of these was a Conductor on the Former Party Train (it used to be called the Drunk Train...but times change, you know)...and PE is back (although of course she would say she never went away) ;). This is one of the few people who can make me quite literally laugh out loud...I've really missed contact with her. While most of our "adventures" actually occurred before then, she was a very large part of that period in Summer 1984 that I've since named The Best of Times, The Worst of Times (with all due apologies to Charles Dickens)...and someday the account of those months will be written about here.

I can't say much about my other long-lost friend, yet...he just send me a message on FaceBook saying he saw me on there. He's a friend from high school days, who had moved here from Ireland. Yes...that Ireland. I lost touch actually while still in high school, as due to his outside-of-the-US education he had different courses than me. But...yet another person who was missing and now...is back.

So...I guess I should be happy and just accept that these missing friends are finding me again.

AHA! BUT...You People (wherever you are), that Control These Things...you can't fool me. I know this is just so I can make peace with this World and tie up these loose ends before I am on to Someplace Else. Someplace, that is said, is Another World, another Plane of Existence...and is therefore much better.

Someplace...like Phoenix...or, Los Angeles. =)

Entry 3540 'Some Place Special'

Randy Newman loves it.

And, after a long period where I was kind of on the fence about it...I guess I do, too.

Yes...I'm talking about El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula, so named in 1741 by 44 setters, who founded the place.

See, in 1979, I was there. It was cool...my generation grew up with it all over television..."The Tonight Show", "Beverly Hillbillies", way too many more to name. In the late 60s, it was the birthplace of the Southern California Sound. In the 50s, it was Surf Music...Jan and Dean, Beach Boys, etc.

I was there again, in March/April 2007, for three weeks. I loved it. I was staying in Ontario, which is pretty far east. Still, in the course of my work I was just about everyplace.

Recently, I was part of my close friend Thom's wedding...which was there. And, again, for four days, I loved it....it was great. When I was there in 2007 I said I would live there someday.

Still don't get it? L A...Los Angeles. That long thing before? That's the OFFICIAL name of it. Fact.

A little-known fact is...I actually wanted to move THERE, instead of Arizona...after my visit in 1979. But, I got talked out of it, partially because my family had friends that lived...in Tucson. In retrospect, i rarely ever saw those people. And, my good friend Bill, from college, also lived there, in Tucson...well, better off not even starting to talk about that. Again...another story, another time.

I heard some great music there, in L A...from a great radio station. Just like in 1992, when I heard KZON in Phoenix (when it was legendary)...soon afterwards, I was living there. Not just for that reason...but that cemented it for me, was the final thing that helped to tip the scales. See, I HATE broadcast radio (but not satellite radio...it sounds pretty good, just haven't heard enough of it). So, finding broadcast radio that I like...wow, that's something.

You can hear it too...with this link: The Sound 100.3 Los Angeles.

So...I'm thinking seriously about it.

Yes...yes, I am.

Entry 3385 'How Vast and Empty Can Be the Soul'

Images of a woman far away who poses and smiles, licks her lips suggestively and blows me kisses...with only the lower half of her face visible and nude from the waist up, she slowly undulates her hands over her neck and shoulders then gently caresses her breasts, runs her hands through her thick black hair and does it all again, all to Sade's breathy vocals...she is really "in the moment", helped along by the red wine she drinks from her elegant stemware. I think, "this is what I miss"...but it's not just for me, it's for anyone who accesses her webcam. Any adult can join the site, broadcast their images and chat through instant messenging...she's not a sleazy professional, but just someone (one of hundreds--thousands?) I would bet who are lonely or neglected on what's a Friday night for her (she's in Singapore, about fifteen hours ahead of me).

It's not pornographic (unless you consider the upper part of a woman's body pornographic)...it is very erotic though, and in these first few moments of watching her I am struck by how much she excites me...not so much sexually (because it's easy to see past that), but how much she excites me with possibilities, someone who would have me constantly on my toes finding ways to show her how special she was to me. She's bold and exciting...her type is the kind that makes you feel special just by her choosing to be with you.

And I wonder about her and her story...why would a beautiful woman do this? I'm curious about the exhibitionism too...men are by nature exhibitionists, but women? Not often, unless it's for money or gain of some sort. But in fact, she has to pay as well to participate. So...why? Maybe it's what John Lennon said, "whatever gets you through the night...."

I am also struck by "how vast and empty can be the soul"...sure we maintain our existences and maybe even fool ourselves into thinking that our lives are satisfying and worthwhile...and then when something like this happens, we realize we're just badly and terribly kidding ourselves, settling for less. It doesn't have to be a person...it could be a house that suddenly you realize you've always wanted, a car, a job, a geographical location...or even, a way of life. Something that afterwards makes you see your life as a more pale and less satisfying place to be...like Peter Reigert at the end of the exceptional 1983 film Local Hero.

I wonder, how do you find someone like her? What's wrong with me, that I'm even watching her? Then John Lennon's words come to me, again...and the rest--"it's alright, it's alright...."

I haven't forgotten that experience on that early morning some time ago...and I'm long past trying to make some sense out of it, like it's a prelude to an upcoming event or foreshadowing or something like that. I'll remember it for what it was, and how it made me feel--like there could be something better.

Entry 3375 'It's About Time, Don't You Think, James?'

Okay okay, so it's been awhile. Well EXCUUUUSE MEEEE for LIVING my life instead of sitting in front of the computer, all the time.

(Not that I don't do that ANYway...!)

Here's some loose ends to clear up...first off, remember that emotional post back last June, about how I WANTED TO BELIEVE? Well, for those of you that read it, forget all that. I guess you could be critical and say that I was an idiot in the first place for even thinking whatever I was thinking at the time, that it might actually work. Okay again...guilty as charged.

(And for those of you new to here [welcome!]...you have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, there was this posting last June, about how I wanted something to happen...I was being an optimist and an idealist, I guess. It didn't...imagine that. But, you know what? That's not gonna stop me from being those things. And, don't look for it, because it's not here any more. I took it off. If you are REALLLY NICE, I might put it back on...but don't count on it. In retrospect, it was just embarrassing.)

This posting is about Wonderful Things...but that sounds like a weenie title, so I won't use it.

I could have a Wonderful Thing going on right now...and, no details. It is what it is...and what it is, could be...wonderful. KC knows...or, should. And will.

Another Wonderful Thing is--SURPRISE! It has to do with computers. Specifically, Macintosh computers. I have left the PC world...for good, this time. I lugged around my Dell Inspiron 8600 laptop for years...then, last October, I got a Mac PowerBook G4 from one of the former Best Places on Earth, the ASU Surplus Warehouse in Tempe, AZ. Readers who want to look back on here a bit will read how I've praised them before. They don't sell Direct any more, only through Online Auctions...another Wonderful chapter of my life, closed. I owe them a lot for what they provided me, starting 10 years ago. Wow...ten years! Anyway, it wasn't much, but it was my first next generation Mac. That was the start...gradually, I found things and workarounds, ways to use it instead of the Dell.

See, it's this way...when you first started using computers years ago, you thought "Wow! This is pretty cool!" Well, after a few bouts with Windows, its at-times unfriendly interface and its problems and little idiosyncrasies, a lot of the novelty (and fun) probably wore off. Well, PSSST! It's still there...on a Mac. No hassles with Operating System problems...like they say, it just...works. They now have Macs that run both OS X and also run Windows...but I will GUARANTEE that once you use Mac OS X, you will use Windows less and less. I know...I did.

And, not too long ago I got a newer PowerBook G4 which frankly kicks my Dell's ass! It does all that the Dell does, and more. The PC image in my rear view mirror just keeps getting smaller and smaller....

There's a few more Wonderful Things to tell you about...I also am back "in circulation"...but this doesn't mean that I'm actively seeking anything, though, Out There. I am traveling a lot these days, I'm only home a few days a month...and for the most part I stay in hotels that have restaurants and "lounges" (I love that word..."Let's go have some drinks until we can't stand or sit anymore, then we'll LOUNGE...!") So, I go there often...the restaurants I mean, but sometimes the Lounge. It's a great way to unwind and get out of the room for a while. So, "in circulation" means getting out in public, and not just getting takeout and going back to the room.

In fact, I'm writing this from the Lounge of the MCM Elegante hotel in Albuquerque, NM. They give us two free drinks a night, and a Free complimentary hot breakfast buffet ("gratuity not included"). That should be a Jimmy Buffett song..."two free drinks, and a Complimentary Hot Breakfast Buffet!"

Gratuity not included. Please, take care of those...that take care of you!

In addition, there's this great job I have now...that's another Wonderful thing. More on that later, though...that's a whole 'nother Post.

And...the last Wonderful Thing here, for this post...Blake's Lotaburger! Chopped Green Chiles! Bacon! Extra meat, and extra cheese! And, only in New Mexico! Since July 9, 1952. 

This state might be backwoods and backwards, but they do have Blake's, New Mexico's answer to In-N-Out Burger.

But of course we all know...there is no substitute for In-N-Out Burger...but, it's very close.

And...Wonderful.

Entry 3331 A Favorite Place

There are three places I have found that I truly enjoy and visit whenever I can…one of these is Monument Valley AZ/UT (as it crosses into both states)…another is the city of Jerome, AZ…and last is the Scottsdale Bike Path Lake at Chaparral and Hayden in North Scottsdale, AZ.

I haven’t been to Monument Valley since 2000. It’s been probably that long since I’ve been in Jerome. But when in Phoenix, at some point a visit to the Bike Path Lake is essential.

I used to call it simply The Bike Path, but that’s like saying I like to go to Nevada instead of Las Vegas. While the actual Bike Path is many miles and transverses Phoenix, Tempe and Scottsdale, I am primarily concerned with the Northeast corner of Hayden and Chaparral. There is a Lake (actually a large pond I suppose)…there are ducks and geese…and herons and all sorts of fowl. At times the geese become agitated about something and become fussy, talking to themselves and outsiders in that noisy honking goose sort of way.

Perhaps it’s because I grew up with this…ponds and a lake full of such animals in quite literally my own backyard. Or for whatever reason—as for whatever reason or reasons I feel that attachment to the other two…so do I feel that here.

I first drove past this place in 1992, and soon afterwards I was bicycling on the concrete stripe that surrounds the lake…then later, rollerblading over it. Sometimes—as today—I just come here to visit and admire…to absorb.

It is slightly chilly here today…there is a brisk breeze. But it is magnificently sunny…there are no clouds. Days like today are why we live here in Southern and Central Arizona, compared to what the rest of the country is experiencing.

Up the street there is some sort of outdoor dog show, and some of those dogs and their owners have found their way here. Many others walk the stretch… some bicycle, some rollerblade. And with a City permit fishing is also possible here…to this end many would-be and once-were anglers have set up tackleboxes and fishing poles. Most of the fishing activity occurs during the early and later evening hours…some are still hoping for “the one that got away” even as the park’s 10pm closing looms near.

There are benches and picnic tables…and small rudimentary barbecue grills. Of course there are trees.

There are pictures of the Bike Path Lake found here in the Photo Module to the right.

It is a place that asks only that you enjoy this visit. It does not demand or require…it is here. It exists. Like a beautiful sunset it will go on being and existing with or without you…but all the better should you be present and a part of its existence to fully experience it.

Entry 3299 The Alleged Joy of Christmas

What is your favorite time of the year? Some will claim it's summer, while others say springtime. For a good many people, though, the time of the Holidays is particularly special.

For the purpose of this discussion we're going to focus on the Christian holiday known as Christmas, although the expression "Christmastime" has become synonymous with the more general and non-denominational "The Holidays," and has come to mean the last few weeks of the calendar year.

As a child, this time is a relief from school...visiting with family and hanging out with friends...and of course, the presents! But, as one grows older and becomes more in tune with the world around oneself, this season begins to take on different meanings. There is the longing for friends and loved ones no longer with us (due to their passing or moving away)...the sadness in the reflection of a life unfulfilled or much different than we expected...the injustices and inequalities we see in the world around us.

Those of us raised as Christians--or even, just as thinking, feeing human beings-- start to develop questions.

"How", we ask..."how can there still be these things? Isn't this supposed to be the Celebration of the Birth of the Saviour, a happy and joyous time? How can I be truly happy when war exists, when racial inequality exists, when there are families that don't have enough money for food, yet alone gifts for their children? When in our own Nation there is a city--devasted by the worst natural disaster in our history--full of suffering people that the Government has apparently forgotten about...people without the most basic elements required for survival, like safe water to drink and food to eat, and electricity?"

It is a sad fact that there are more suicides during this time of year than at any other….brought on by loneliness? Disgust? A feeling that one's life, one's ambitions and dreams are unimportant, that no one else really cares or gives a damn at all…even, possibly, the Almighty?

One man understood those thoughts of despair, but he continued to have hope.

"And so this is Christmas...and what have you done? Another year over, and a New One just begun...."

John Lennon wrote those words (from "Happy Christmas [War is Over]") more than 40 years ago, and he is one of those departed whose vision and presence we especially miss this time of year, and always. In a sort of wonderful irony, I don't believe he ever thought it would become a Christmas song in its own right.

He envisioned a world where such things as want and need and hunger and starvation and war and pain and suffering did not exist...where we could all work together to achieve a common good. We are inching our way to that point, but slowly. More slowly than most of us would like to happen.

So perhaps the answer to some sort of happiness this time of year lies in what Lennon said at the end of "Imagine":

"You can say that I'm a dreamer...but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us...and the world can live as one."

Do what you can. If you can give some of your time or resources to a charity, do so. Make that long-distance call to that friend or loved one far away. Drop some dollar bills or spare change in a Salvation Army red bucket. Give some cans of food to a Food Drive. Go out and marvel at Christmas lights...and look to the sky and stars in wonder and give thanks for what you do have and what changes you can make--or what help you can give--however small. Because it's all a start toward that goal.

And you know what's been said...you build a house--or a better world--one step at a time.

Merry Christmas. Strive to be happy.

Entry 3280 Knocking on Heaven's Door

So, I ask you…

“Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?”

Well, it wasn’t the Devil, exactly. But this much is certain….

I almost died. Came very close, actually…perhaps too close.

To digress a bit…recently I’ve written several entries for this here Journal. One included a link to photos, images I’ve captured in the last few months in my travels…but I couldn’t get the link to work. It’s one of those “store your online photos here” sites…and short of giving everyone a password to it, I can’t get it to work the way I think it should.

I started a few topics…but they still await completion. None moved me the way that I like, the way that causes me to want to publish something here. So I kept writing, and working on what I already had written.

On Wednesday October 4, 2006 I was traveling, as I’ve been doing every other week. I had just finished a great meal at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants and was returning to my hotel room about 10 pm when I became painfully aware that I had a kidney stone, which would be my seventh occurrence. No, I don’t know what causes them…yes, I’m taking precautions to prevent return visits, so to speak. I don’t drink unfiltered water or any kind of soft drink (except Gatorade Rain). I try to be sure and drink a lot of fluids. I don’t eat rolls of Rolaids or Tums (like I used to do to fix my recurring heartburn and acid reflux…Prilosec changed all that—thankfully.)

As for the pain…I’ve been told that my maternal grandfather would cry when he got them, and this was a man who raised sixteen children pretty much on his own—he was not one of weak character. It’s been said that it’s the closest pain a man can feel to childbirth. I’m not saying that there’s a similarity—I’m sure childbirth is way more painful, but it’s also a natural development, one that occurs and proceeds pretty much the way it’s supposed to. Kidney stones are not. Try and imagine a cramping, clenching, spastic kind of pain…sharp but undulating. When you get the first stone you’ll do just about anything to make it stop. When the next occurrence arrives (years, months or weeks later) you’ll recognize the sharp spasms as they first appear and prepare for what will likely be hours of suffering.

That night, after about six hours had elapsed--which included two hours of pacing, various attempts to sit/lie down and be moderately comfortable, and about four hot baths--I gave up and had the front desk where I was staying (in Sierra Vista, AZ) call for an ambulance. I didn’t know where the hospital was there…didn’t frankly care at that point either.

I was released about eight hours later…I was given a prescription for pain medication and told to go home (which in my case was back to the hotel room) and pass the stone. In the times before I’ve had kidney stones, it usually ends the same way. The pain center changes, follows a path down into your groin (your urethra)…and ends in your bladder, where you wait for the strange feeling of passing the stone through the end of your urethra. It doesn’t hurt as much as it is a curious and somewhat uncomfortable sensation, as guys aren’t used to feeling something hard coming out of where it comes out.

After a few days I was able to drive back to Tucson, respectful as I was of the pain medication and my weakened condition. And things did not get better…the next day the pain was plastered all along my right side…and it was terrible. I was pretty sure I had felt the stone pass through my urethra on its way to my bladder, but I did not have evidence that I had actually passed it.

There had been an occurrence prior to this—Stone Number Three--when I felt a sharp pain not only as it exited the kidney and started down the urethra, but also the pain within the kidney remained. I panicked at this, visiting an ER in Phoenix (also early in the morning), thinking there could be two stones. I was later told that it was damage to the interior of the kidney that was the cause of that pain…I passed that stone during a bathroom visit while being administered to by the triage nurse. See, there are two schools of thought…one, wait out the passing of the stone; two, drink copious amounts of water and force the stone out, which is much quicker but also much more painful. I had drunk a couple of gallons of water, and could not urinate…so the urge to pee usually means the stone is on its way out.

This is what I thought had happened that Sunday night…that the stone had passed and it was just small damage to the kidney that was the cause of the pain. But meantime I was running a fever and felt out of it…taking the pain pills caused my temperature to rise at least another 3-5 degrees, and I would begin to sweat profusely.

I won’t at this time go into more detail…about the ER that examined me a day or so later, did NOT xray me or use any kind of scan, and abruptly declared, “we know you probably have an infection, but we don’t know where it is or how to treat it, so here’s some pain medication…go home and call your doctor.” Or about the nitwit receptionist who was filling in at my doctor’s office and who kept asking me the most idiotic questions about things over and over, often asking the same questions hours after I had already given her my answers.

Let’s just say that I found myself in another ER several days later, after several hours facing a doctor who told me they were going to have to admit me, as my white blood cell count was “over 20,000” (the normal count is between 4500-10,000); I had a fever, marking an infection; my kidney was torn up inside by several stones, one of which had lodged in the urethra and caused my kidney to essentially burst and rupture, flooding the interior of my abdomen with urine. That was the source of the awful pain…and had the previous ER that had sent me home made an xray or any kind of scan, they would have seen that too.

I got an injection loaded with painkillers…within an hour I was again overheated by it. My hospital gown, the sheet on the bed, my hair, etc. was soaked with sweat. Later that night I tried to sleep…I saw stuff. I mean, STUFF.  I can’t talk about most of it…don’t want people to think I’m nuts. It could’ve been the result of all that was wrong with me, causing me to hallucinate. That’s not what I think, though. I was SUPPOSED to see the stuff…but not necessarily to understand it…at least, right now.

They put a stent inside me…a hollow tube inside my kidney and down through my urethra. This was to promote healing and to help catch the other stones. And gradually I recovered.

So here we are today. The stent will be removed soon. I’m not sure why or how this all happened or how to prevent it again. I will be back at work in a few days, and I suppose all will be back to normal. Or as normal as things can be after you’ve knocked on the door to the Afterlife and have been welcomed inside…if only for a little while.